Everyone likes porn
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: What would happen if you gave a gentlemen's magazine to a DW character? No actual porn in this story.


**Cao Cao: "Ooooohh...Got any more? Damn, this is better than those water color scrolls. The women all look like wrinkled blobs in those but these give you the whole thing."**

**Cao Pi: "Mmh... Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Where can I get the real thing?"**

**They would be way too young for you anyway.**

**Dian Wei: He just blushes heavily and covers his face when shown the inside of the magazine.**

**Xu Chu: "Mmh, cake lady!" He eats the magazine that featured a woman covered in frosting on the cover.**

**No, no,no! And... er... that magazine was... Nevermind. **

**Cao Ren: He just sits there and looks at it with no comment.**

**Li Dian: "Whoa! Her hoo-ha's all out there! I bet she's getting a draft up there... hehehe... No? Oh fine. Anyway, I can see her organs through her skin. Is that healthy?"**

**That was not the point of this... Oh nevermind. **

**Xiahou Dun: He looks through the magazine and then just tosses behind his shoulder. ****"Next one."**

**Xiahou Yuan: "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You can do this? Is this legal?"**

**Yes. In modern times anyway.**

**"Don't mind me. I'm just enjoying this with the little time I have left."**

**Yue Jin: He turns bright red and closes it quickly.**

**"Do they get paid to do this? Because I don't think these women get paid enough to just sit there with their naughty bits out."**

**Yeah. A lot.**

**"I'm confused. Why does her thing have this weird rash-"**

**TURN THE PAGE QUICKLY.**

**Wang Yi: "...This woman has a disease-"  
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**Alright! Just ignore that!**

**"I find no satisfaction. What's the point of this?"**

**You want death porn?**

**"If that exists, I'll take one."**

**Cai Wenji: She blushes to a bright red and throws the magazine away from herself. **

**Zhen Ji: "Ugh! Disgusting!" She was about to toss it, but lingers on a page. She looks up to see the camera still rolling. ****"Ugh! Can't you believe this?"**

**Yeah, totally.**

**Guo Jia: "OHHH-HO-HO-HO! HEL-LO!"**

**Hey, uh-**

**"And that's just the first page?! Where has this been all my life? I don't need to peek on women anymore! After all, paper doesn't hit back." **

**Jia Xu: "Meh." He tosses the magazine behind his shoulder after he finishes looking at it. You see Guo Jia diving behing Jia Xu to grab that magazine.**

**Zhang He: "Ugh! This is not beautiful at all! How can-" He stops to stare at a page in the magazine and his voice turns deep. "Annnnd now I like women in another way."**

**Pang De: He looks at the magazine for a while. A LONG while. You hear crickets in the background after a time lapse. **

**Yu Jin: "I don't get it. What am I supposed to do? I know these women are beautiful, but... What's the point if they're just paper? Oh, fine. I'll give in to this. Don't tell anyone."**

**Xu Huang: "I have now reached the summit! In my pants."**

**Ugh! Why? Don't tell me!**

**Zhang Liao: "Hey! Why are you even filming?! This is private!" He gets his ax and throws it towards the camera's lens.**

**Xun Yu: "This is what we're reduced to? Looking at unrealistic sexy women printed on weird paper?"**

**If you're so uncomfortable, why are you almost at the end of the magazine?**

**"...Well... That includes me."**

* * *

><p><strong>Sun Jian: "Ohh! Oh my! I have mixed feelings about this..."<br>**

**Your wife isn't here.**

**"Well, why not? I'm going to die fifty times this week anyway. Ohh, tiger print panties."**

**Sun Ce: "Who-hoo! I love you guys now! Even though you reduced my screen time... But this makes up for it!" **

**Sun Quan: "Oh my... god..." He turns bright red as he stares into the magazine. **

**Sun Shang Xiang: "Ugh! I hate you guys!" She throws the magazine at one of the cameramen. She looks to her side to see her family reading the magazines. "Father?! Ce?! Quan?! Why are you three enjoying this?!"**

**Zhou Yu: "These women are over 18, right?"**

**Considering it's Japanese porn you're reading, it's a fifty-fifty chance you're looking at a grown woman.**

**"I suppose that's a bit better...Argh, I'll take those chances."**

**Lu Xun: His face turns bright red when he looks through. When he was finished, he lights the magazine on fire. **

**Taishi Ci: "I can tell those are not real."**

**Duh, do you want a realistic woman?**

**"No... I'll stop complaining."**

**Gan Ning: "Phhsh. These are soooo last century. I've got the latest edition since I'm subscribed."**

**How...?**

**"None of your beeswax!"**

**Lu Meng: He turns away from the camera and to look through the magazine. He turns back. ****"This is very educational. I now know what goes on down there in a woman's body."**

**Totally "educational".**

**Ling Tong: "This was from... 1999? Wait! How...? Ah! How old am I?! I like the ladies on this, but damn... I'm old..." **

**Zhou Tai: He looks through the magazine and turns to see the camera. A fast slash quickly turns the screen into static. **

**Lian Shi: "...Why'd you give me this?" She turns to see Sun Quan reading a porn magazine. "...Of course..." She throws the magazine away at a random cameraman.**

**Xiao Qiao: "Why is her boobies not covered?" A cameraman quickly takes the magazine away from her. **

**"That's not for kids!"**

**Da Qiao: "Oh my-" The same cameraman quickly swipes the magazine away from her before she could look at the inside. **

**Huang Gai: "Oh-hohoho! These are certainly better than-HEY! Why are you pointing that eye thing? And why are you watching?!" He takes out a club and bashes in the lens.**

**Han Dang: He was red in the face as he was looking through. He looks up to see the camera. "Oh NOW you want to give me screentime! Well, I'm not giving you the satisfaction!" He turns away and turns back. "Actually... I do want it..."**

**Lu Su: "Whoa! Prety.. I mean! I am a sensible-Ah, screw it. No one's watching except that man over there with a giant black eye." **

**Zhu Ran: He just sets the magazine on fire without knowing what it was. When someone tells him, he gets upset.**

**"I always wanted to see a boob! Now I'll never know what's under women's dresses!" **

* * *

><p><strong>Liu Bei: He happily takes the magazine and when he reads it, he gets upset. "Aw, there are things covering up the women's nipples..."<strong>

**Those ARE nipples.**

**"Oh. I'm not used to not getting the whole thing like that. I always censored things..."**

**Guan Yu: "I don't need that, so take it away." He refuses the magazine in a huff. The cameraman taking it mutters,"Your loss."**

**Zhang Fei: "Give me more! Do you have more? GIMME ALL OF THE BOOKS!"**

**Zhao Yun: He turns red and tries to pretend he doesn't enjoy them. "This is so demeaning for these really sexy women!" A worker holds up another magazine. "Want the video game girls edition?" Zhao Yun lights up and demands him to give him that one.**

**Zhuge Liang: He openly enjoys the book. A little too much. He looks at one of the cameraman. "Don't give me that. I need this."**

**Yue Ying: He rolls her eyes and tosses the magazine over her. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm not into that!"**

**We never said you were into that.**

**"Well, you're giving me that impression that you think like that."**

**Jiang Wei: He eagerly looks through that magazine. He then turns to face the 4th wall. "Yeah! I'm not gay! Yeah, suck it!" A voice is heard through the wall next to him. "You're still gay." **

**"Whhhhhy, Zhuge Laing?! Why are so meeeeean?"**

**"My point exactly."**

**Pang Tong: "Yeah! Alright! This is the one thing you guys are doing correctly. But this doesn't make up you guys adding in Xu Shu."**

**Xu Shu: He blushes bright red and cries in a corner. "I need an adult... I need an adult."**

**You ARE an adult.**

**"PangTong, why are you so meeean?! You were nice before!" The wall has a voice said from behind it. "That was before I knew how useless you were."**

**Huang Zhong: "Oh... Oh. OHHHHH! Yeah! This is the stuff! A shame I can't get an erection..."**

**Ma Chao: He reads through the magazine while stuck making an angry face. "WHY DON'T THESE WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS?! WHERE ARE THEY?"**

**They're just cut off from the waist down. Some of the pages have full body.**

**"Where is it?!"**

**Different magazines.**

**"Give me another one then! I want to see a vagina!" **

**Ma Dai: "Ohhhhh, so that's how you draw a vagina. I've been drawing them wrong or not even drawing them at all. But let's face it, it looks like they have nubs at their-"**

**Okay, shut it.**

**"Overall, nice drawing."**

**They're not drawings.**

**"Say whaaaa? No way. What are they?"**

**Photographs.**

**"What are those? Anyway, let me observe their boobs. For art reasons."**

**Sure. That's what the Renaissance said.**

**Wei Yan: "Me... like... boobs..."**

**No one can hear you. You can talk normally.**

**"Nooo... they... can hear... behind... wall..." **

**Guan Xing: He just stares through the magazine until he gets bored and tosses it. "Those just showed the top. I want the bottom."**

**Guan Suo: "Oh god, I wish I was older so I can understand what's going on with this woman and this guy. Why are they covering themselves in cakes? I want the cake..."**

**Guan Ping: He blushes heavily and yells out,"I want to save myself!"**

**No, you don't.**

**"Yes, I don't." He continues to read that magazine with no hesitation.**

**Guan Yinping: "Ew. Is this what men do these days? Ugh!" She turns to see her three brothers reading the magazines. "...You three have no shame!"**

**Zhang Bao: "Oh yeah! This gets the blood pumping! TO MY LOINS! Oh!" **

**Xing Cai: She slices the magazine to pieces and throws her sword into the camera's lens.**

**Fa Zheng: "Oohhhhh... yeeeah..."**

**You're taking this a lot better than everyone.**

**"Oohhhh... yeah... That fabric... What is it? Cotton? Silk? Look at all those seams... And that color... Ohhh... And-Ugh! That stain ruins it for me!"**

**You're... You're just looking at the bed the women's on...**

**"Thanks to that stain, I now am just enjoying the woman now. But that stain is killing it for me..."**

* * *

><p><strong>Sima Yi: He really looks through the magazine with a slightly red face. "No one's seeing me, right?"<strong>

**Sorta...? **

**A figure is seen behind him. "She's right there, isn't she?" He pauses for a moment before flipping through the pornagraphy magazine quickly and gets up running away still holding the magazine. "You can't stop human nature! I am looking these women whether you like or not! You're just jealous!****" **

**Sima Shi: He blankly looks at it and puts it off. He is given a food magazine that had a pair of meatbuns on one page. **

**"Ohhhh... yeeeeah... " He moans at the food magazine.**

**Sima Zhao: ****He was drooling at the magazine and you see him undoing his pants.****"Can I have some privacy...?" **

**NO! Ugh! No! We film here! We don't want you...! No! No! No! Just look through it!**

**Zhang Chunhua: She jams that magazine into the camera's lens, breaking it. She later chases down Sima Yi who was flaunting the magazine in her face and was looking it in defiance.**

**Wang Yuanji: She tears it up and sees Sima Zhao reading the porn magazine. She throws a knife and it files to take the porn away from his hands and it sticks it against the wall.**

**Zhong Hui: "Mm-hm. Where's the me porn? I want that."**

**You know, it's mostly you kissing some other guy or getting banged by that guy. **

**"...Yeah, I'm just going to stick with this."**

**Deng Ai: He blankly looks through it and gets distracted with a National Geographic history map that was stuck in there. **

**One of the cameramen used a map as his bookmark. What are the odds he gets that magazine?**

**Guo Huai: "No,no,no... I'll get a heart attack... And... my wife wouldn't like that..."**

**She's not here.**

**"But my heart will explode if I see all of that at once..." **

**Wen Yang: He turns red completely before fainting after he sees the inside.**

**Jia Chong: He silently reads it while making an intrigued face. "These women do this for fun? Really? Well, then I still have a chance for my idea of-"****  
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**For the last time, your disembodied people porn is not going to take off!**

**Zhuge Dan: He nosebleeds as he continues to look through the magazine. **

**Xiahou Ba: "Oh, I always wondered what a vagina looked." He turns to the first page and he yells out to throw it away from him. He breathes loudly and runs off to bring in Guo Huai's cannon. He shoots the magazine with it while yelling. He stops.**

**"Huff... huff... ahhhhh! Huff... You... can't hurt anyone... anymore..." A voice is heard. "Xiahou Ba! Where's my cannon? Did you take it again?"**

* * *

><p><strong>Lu Bu: *footage not found* He destroyed the camera once he found out what we're doing and ran off with the magazine.<strong>

**Diao Chan: She throws it away in disgust. **

**Yuan Shao: He tries to make looking at porn look classy. But it isn't no matter how hard you try.**

**Zhang Jiao: "I feel the shame of Heaven coursing through my veins..."**

**Meng Huo: "Nice! Is my wife watching? Nah, I'll just keep reading..."**

**Zhu Rong: She throws the magazine she was given and finds Meng Huo reading one when she knocked the divider down with the magazine. Meng Huo gets up and runs while attempting to finish reading the magazine.**

**Zuo Ci: "This isn't pure. I shall purge all of the filth."**

**You can't use your magic here. **

**Lu Lingqi: She crushes the magazine while shaking. "I can't believe men are such pigs!"  
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**And you just realized it now?**

**Chen Gong: "Oh hello! What's this? Her breast-te-ses are hanging all out there and her hoo-ha's there... And I like it." Lu Bu walks by and swipes the magazine away from and reads that while walking.**

**"Aw... I didn't even get past the first page..."**


End file.
